Just an Angel
by starshards
Summary: Ikari Shinji has led a life like no other, yet despite the heartache, and the sadness, he always has his memories of an angel who truly touched his heart. [Slight KaworuxShinji]


…'Just an Angel'

Pairing: Shinji x Kaworu

Warnings: Apart from spoilers, none.

* * *

I couldn't understand it- I still don't- how he could look at me with those smiling eyes.

No one had ever looked at me like that before; I knew that Misato-san cared deeply for me. I think that she could see herself in me, so it was natural that she never found joy in my presence, and if it appeared that she did, I always knew that it was fake. Her smiles were always real, but the pity she held for me never left her eyes.

At least she always tried. No one else bothered, not even my own father, though I expected no less from him. None of the people I had come to view as 'friends' looked at me with joy either. I didn't expect them to, I _had_ nearly ripped apart Toji-kun after all. Well, perhaps not _me, _but my Eva had at least. It really was understandable that no one liked me for me; my life was worth nothing more then that of a kamikaze schoolboy. To replace me, all they had to do was find another self-loathing, mentally fragile fifteen year old with a history of abandonment that would make them detached and empathetic enough to have a wall around their heart (also known as an AT Field) that was sufficient to man an EVA. I had nearly died twice all ready and almost lost my mind just as many times. No one could break through the barrier I built around myself, and in turn no one but Misato-san tried. No one, until I met _him_.

I knew it the moment our eyes first met, his red depths as warm and as compassionate as the grin on his lips. Was it sad to say that he was the first person that I'd ever met to seem genuinely happy to be in my company?

I guess so, but that made him all the more wonderful to me. I couldn't help but blush when he insisted that I call him by his first name, and much as I couldn't believe it, I found myself replying in the same fashion. We were on a first name basis within five minutes of meeting, which for me was unprecedented. I hated letting anyone close to me. What made him so different?

Suffice to say, he was amazing. His synch rate was phenomenal, blowing me and Ayanami clear out of the water, even though 'unit two' wasn't even his own Eva, yet none of that mattered to me. _I_ liked his philosophical words, his easy going grins, his melodic voice and most of all, his smiling eyes. I was almost instantly drawn to him, not even realising how he was affecting me, so much so, that I wasn't even aware that I was waiting for him after the synch tests until he walked through the gates of Central Dogma, gentle grin on his face as soon as he spotted me.

In the time that I knew him, I came to rely on him more then I ever had anyone else. Lying next to him that night, I felt warmer and safer then I ever had done in my life. I felt important, like I was the only person he had ever cared for in his life, and in return, he was the only person I had ever wanted to feel that with. He held my hand, and it was okay. He was warm, and that was all I wanted. Warmth. Stability.

_Love_.

How sad it is that I had to wait fifteen years to hear the words 'I love you', and even then it came from someone I had known for only a day, yet that took away none of its sincerity. He loved me.

And I never had the chance to tell him that I felt the same way back, yet somehow, I think that he knew all along.

'_I think that I was destined to meet you_,'

And I agreed, for what would have happened if we had not met? Would Tabris have gone on to tear apart Central Dogma? Would the battle have been lost? I can't help but think yes. Tabris was the angel of free will, and he made a choice because of one unassuming boy. He chose to die for the one that he loved.

Me.

The greatest gift that I have ever been given and the one that was the most painful I have ever had to receive, more so then my even my Eva. One that I knew I should have honoured, yet despite his intentions to let me live, it left me wanting nothing more then to die. When it came down to it, the final confrontation was not something I was willing to participate in, yet with his, Asuka's and Misato-san's sacrifices, I was honour-bound to do.

He came back to me in those deciding moments, and for few precious heartbeats, everything was right. The warmth, the safety and the _love_ washed over me once again, and, though he was joined at that time to Ayanami, I knew that it was him. I could feel it. I knew that it couldn't last, that hazy bliss of being so close to him once again, but I still craved it like a blind man craves the light.

I wanted to be close to him, to know what it felt like to be in those arms, far away from the world. I wanted to look up into his face and see that gentle, happy smile once again directed at me. To curl up into him, never to be interrupted by the seemingly menial task of living.

'_Your heart is delicate, like glass'_

The question of me being gay crossed my mind more then once, but each time was quickly dismissed. I was far too enraptured with the almost common occurrence of nearly viewing Asuka's breasts, so not being sexually attracted to girls was out of the window. I do, however believe that the overwhelming feelings that I felt for him, may well have influenced some sexual attraction, but as the bible states, angels were androgynous anyway. Though Kaworu was a boy, Tabris, the soul that resided within him was not.

And it was his soul that loved me, and in return, his soul was the one that I loved back. His wonderful, almost perfect personality, his naivety to human emotion and his willingness to learn, the protective warmth that came off of him in soothing waves. Everything that made him, _him_. That was who I loved, who I love still, for with time to think on back on all of those events, I came to realise that what I had experienced was what they called 'true love'. An unselfish, gentle, bittersweet adoration, the desire to be close where once I was guarded, the willingness to let every barrier that I had placed around my heart to be torn down, no matter what the consequences.

'_My life was meaningful, because of you'_

To lose that caused me to lose my way and with my barriers gone, I was frightened and unsure. I lost the will to carry on, yet when I finally did find the strength to get into that capsule, I realised that somehow, he would always be there with me, and that, despite the agony it had caused, it made me a stronger and better person. It helped me to find myself.

The world had carried on, though it was far from normal, we all made the effort to carry on, for we had all learned the most valuable lesson that fateful day- the meaning of living. We finally had the power to shape our own futures, and so, we quietly walked forward, silently confident in our abilities as the 'chosen' successor.

My heart slowly healed, sad memories were replaced by happier ones, despite the hardship, and though it remained scarred, they helped me to remember who I was, what I had lost, and what I had gained from that loss. The most precious gift of all- the gift of life.

'_And we are the words 'I love you'_

I knew from the moment that I squeezed the life out of him, I would never know love like that again, for true love only came once a lifetime, and mine died by my own hand, by his own wishing. Yet still, I held his final words to my heart firmly, and carried on with my life. Of course, the desire to be with him again never once lessened, but in this, I knew that fate was this time against me.

Because I was a boy, and he was just an angel.

And somehow… I'm okay with that.

* * *

I really couldn't resist writing a KaworuxShinji, and I did try and keep it as true to the story as possible v 


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